Too Fat to Fish

Haven't we read similar themed books over the years with regard to celebrities? The Dirt, Heroin Diaries, Slash, Marsha Brady, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, and several other stars/people that have faced addiction and want to share redundant stories with us. As Artie would say..."Waaaahhhhhhhhhhh."

This topic/genre has been played over and over and over and over again. Are we supposed to celebrate a guy that thrives off his own self-destruction? I'd rather read a book about Riley Martin and his close encounters with Bohavians, or whatever the F you call those aliens. I really like Artie, but I don't model his behaviors or learn much from his outbursts.

If you want a book closer to home and what real world folks are experiencing, pick up a copy of Dropping Almonds by Bach Anon from Amazon (the first 3-5 pages are hilarious).

Artie Lange, Jr. is clearly mental. He is also lovable, sincere and blatantly honest in his first penned effort. His memoirs provide a Jack Kerouac-like narrative of drugs and more drugs from his early days as a stand up in NYC clubs, to his on-air Stern Show melt down. Artie opens his mental disease completely to his fans - showing the manic swings that can be triggered by nearly anything.

This book is his atonement to those he injured, and his praise for those who provided salvation, during his path from tragedy to success. And it is laced with just the right amount of ball-busting tales as only Artie could have experienced.

The book will make you laugh and cry out loud, even if you are not a Stern fan and have never heard of Artie Lange. And that is why Artie did such a great thing on these pages.

Bye for now.

As a Howard Stern fan for 22 years, I have been following Artie's career since his first day on the show. As a result, I loved this book. Artie is a master story teller on the show, and even better in print. This book supplements the many stories he has already told and added a few other poignant moments that illustrate Lange's humanity. Kudos to Artie for another job well done!

Artie Lange gives us insight to "what made the man" in Too Fat To Fish. Even if you are not an Artie fan, you're heartless if you do not find his story compelling and his unwavering love for his family genuine.

I know that some readers that are Howard Stern Show fans may say that Artie has told many of these stories on the air, but there is much more revealed within these pages than what has come across in sound bytes on Sirius Radio. Artie Lange gives us his heart in Too Fat To Fish and Howard is not there to edit him. You get the whole story.... the laughs and the ugliness of Artie's personal trials and struggle with substance abuse.

Pick this one up, you wont be sorry.

This is the autobiography of TV-radio-movie-star-standup comedian- Artie Lange. This book will do a lot of things to you. It will make you laugh... it will make you cry... and it will make you truly worry... that this beloved "mensch "... will kill himself... sooner... rather than later... due to his addictions to alcohol, heroin, cocaine, pain pills, food, and a lack of exercise. (And gambling... how can gambling possibly kill Artie you may ask? From his habit of making large bets with money he doesn't have... with the kind of people who won't be laughing when they come to collect what Artie doesn't have!) Everyone that cares about Artie... and anyone who reads this book will... has to shudder at his resemblance in appearance... talent... and destructive behavior... to the "late" John Belushi.

The author leads you from his childhood which included a courtroom appearance as a newborn to help convince a jury to give his Dad a second chance, during his trial for having stashed more than TWO-HUNDRED-THOUSAND-DOLLARS IN COUNTERFEIT MONEY BELONGING TO A BOOKIE IN A CABINET ABOVE THEIR FRIDGE. Artie loved his Dad with every ounce of his body and soul. His Dad was Superman to him. "As a kid, Artie was obsessed with baseball, and not much has changed since then. Like a lot of Fathers and sons, Artie and his Dad bonded over baseball more than anything else." As Artie intimately shares his life with you... he shares the good... and the bad. The pinnacle... the absolute happiest day of Artie's life was October 18, 1977. That was the day of the sixth game of the 1977 World Series between the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers... the day that "MR. OCTOBER" Reggie Jackson with three consecutive swings of his bat... hit three consecutive homeruns... to clinch the World Championship... and ten-year-old Artie was there with his beloved Dad. When the last out was made... Artie states: "TO THIS DAY, I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS HAPPY AS I WAS AT THAT MOMENT. I THINK THAT DEEP DOWN, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, I HAVE BEEN CHASING THAT FEELING EVER SINCE. THAT TYPE OF RUSH, THE KIND THAT OVERCOMES EVERY BIT OF YOUR BEING, IS THE SAME RUSH YOU GET WHEN YOU FIRST CHASE MONEY AND GAMBLE. AND HEROIN? DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I'VE DONE BOTH OF THOSE OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND EVEN AT THEIR BEST THEY DIDN'T MEASURE UP TO A FRACTION OF WHAT I FELT THAT NIGHT. I THINK MOST PEOPLE'S HAPPIEST TIMES OCCUR WHEN THEY'RE CHILDREN."

Eight years later on October 18, 1985 "exactly eight years later, his childhood and the carefree part of his life officially ended." "On the eighth anniversary of that day, my Father fell off a roof while installing an antenna and became a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. It happened one week after his eighteenth birthday." On February 1, 1990 his Dad passed away. Artie always placed part of the responsibility on his Dad's death on his own shoulders, because he was supposed to work with him that day and hold the ladder for him... but didn't.

From that point on the reader needs to hold on tight as Artie takes you through a self-destructive jungle of booze-cocaine-heroin-pills-you name it... as he shares tales of life as a cab driver... a longshoreman... a waiter... a standup comedian... an actor... TV star... Howard Stern sidekick... all linked with one common thread... over indulgence of things that will destroy you. It is not pretty... and I don't think the author intends it to be. Artie even comes clean by admitting, in depressing detail how he attempted to commit suicide... including his suicide note. Of course there is poignant humor along this maniacal path of debauchery... such as when he was working on MADtv and he had three hours worth of makeup applied to look exactly like a pig... including a "pig-snout" nose... but he got an unquenchable "Jones" for cocaine... so he snuck off the set while the whole crew was impatiently waiting... to go meet his drug dealer... who was taken aback when a human pig came for the cocaine buy. Perhaps the most rip-roaringly funny part of the book is when Artie "THE-PIG" battles to get a straw in his nose through the prosthetic pig-snout.

This is a thoroughly entertaining book... but it leaves you with the unsettling fear... that one morning on the news... the story is going to be about Artie Lange... following the path of John Belushi and Chris Farley as wild comedians who went too far...