Love Smart: Find the One You Want--Fix the One You Got

Review By: Nicole Beck, Compare Book QA Department
Review Score:

Have you ever wondered to yourself why some people are always dating, while other people who seem very similar aren't? Throughout my life, I've noticed that some of my friends always have a date, while others have never been on a date in their life. These friends are good looking, nice, and they don't have a weird smell about them (or anything that seems like an obvious turnoff). Some girls seemed to have it, while others don't. What is it though? What makes the difference? Well, Dr. Phil's book, Love Smart: Find the One You Want -- Fix the One You Got answers those questions, and even explains how you can use this information to your advantage.

You start out the book by defining what the author calls "The Character of Him." How can you find what you want, if you don't know what it is that you want? By defining what traits you are interest in, you will be that much closer to finding Him. This book helps you define what you want in the following areas: Personality, Social skills, Relational style, Spirituality compatibility, and Physical characteristics. The book also helps you define deal breakers, the things that you will break off the relationship over (physical abuse, substance abuse, and cheating, to name a few). Then, and this is the important part of this chapter, Dr. Phil talks about the 80 % rule. No one is going to be everything you are looking for. If you find someone who is 80% what you are looking for, then maybe he is worth getting to know better.

The next step Love Smart helps you make is to define "The Character of You." If you don't know what is so great about yourself, how is anyone else ever going to figure it out? If you don't love yourself, how is anyone else going to love you? Dr. Phil says, "The first person you have to sell yourself to is you." What do you say to yourself when no one else is looking? If it is negative, then you have some work to do. The book explains that when you are negative about yourself, those thoughts are portrayed in many nonverbal ways. Who are you? What makes you unique? What traits do you have that will interest others? You need to put your best-self forward when you are playing the dating game. That doesn't mean lying. It just means knowing what to share about yourself to get others interested. This also doesn't mean that you need to be something that you are not. Be your best self. Once you love yourself, that confidence will shine through.

After defining what you want, and who you are, you need to look at what you have been doing that isn't working. Maybe you work so hard that you don't make time to date. Maybe you are looking in all the wrong places. Maybe you appear too desperate. Love Smart explains how to fix all of the above.

This book also does a very good job explaining the differences in how men and women think. By knowing how men think, it is easier to understand their responses. Dr. Phil also talks about staying a mystery. Don't call him every five minutes. Don't send him all sorts of emails. Don't pester him to the point that he wants to avoid you. Let him initiate at least 50% of your correspondence in the beginning.

Once you have found "Mr. Right", chapter 10 of Love Smart tells you how to entice a man into a long term commitment. Men often think in terms of, "What is in this for me?" So, when you are negotiating, you need to remind him of all the ways he will benefit by moving onto the next step. Also, he needs to feel that he is pursuing you. If he believes that "he has this in the bag" he won't have the same sense of urgency. Dr. Phil will teach you how to create that sense of urgency without making any ultimatums.

The book ends with a chapter on the difference between falling in love, and being in love. This is where the "fix the one you've got" portion of the book comes in. You need to do things to keep the fire burning. Otherwise this relationship will end up like so many others - and after all the effort you've already put into this relationship, you wouldn't want it to end. Continue your efforts and you both will be happy!

If you are looking for a long term relationship, then Love Smart is the perfect book for you. If you are reading this book because you want to fix the relationship that you are in, then you shouldn't bother. I think that the subtitle, Find the one you want - Fix the one you got, is misleading. I have yet to read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue, but I'm going to bet that book is more the book you are looking for. Love Smart focuses 99 % on finding the one you want, and the other 1% is about fixing the relationship you are in.